Written by A. D. Payne
I write not to attack you, for once. While I don’t adhere to your passionate hope and assurance that things will always be okay no matter what, it isn’t from disdain. As I’m sure you know, for some time, it has been. After all, it’s a simple and (still, in my opinion) reasonable way of thinking: if I expect the worst, I won’t have any disappointment if (or when, really) it occurs. Which, at some point, is inevitable. The added bonus is perhaps some grim satisfaction at the end when I am proven right.
In some way, it’s like always winning at a game that’s rigged against you. Sure, the win is bitter, but it is a win nevertheless.
Yet, I can’t help but admire the pattern of thought you do subscribe to. Every time you’re proven wrong, you stubbornly choose not to accept it, anyway. You always look to the horizon for something better, always wait for the best to come, until it becomes inevitable. Nothing good escapes you. You seize it. Even when life tries its hardest to withhold every blessing, you demand everything so sweetly that it will, surely, soon smile upon you.
You wring brightness from life twice as hard as it tries to wring exhaustion from you. And when the worst is over, you still have something left to give. I admire that. I admire you.
I admire the honour that can be found in your refusal to give in. That even if you go down, you will go down knowing you saw the good in everything and made some if there was none. The strength you have is endless.
I’ve taken the opposite stance in recent days. Maybe there is some shame in that. Most have chosen my way as well. And you know what?
I’m sorry for working against you when the world’s already doing that. For refusing to believe that you might just be right. Occasionally. So I want to say thanks for your patience and resilience through the literal hell year that has happened. Everything from the more pessimistic sides of you (which I find more realistic, like how things have definitely been worse) to the sides that refuse to go a day without shining a light on some lovely thing. Thank you for having that much strength, and being willing to share it.
(But not till it’s toxic. Being pragmatic is a wonderful thing).