Written by Parker Gray
When I think about all the things that have gone wrong in life I never see you there. I think about the times I wanted to quit and the times I probably should have. I think about the times I didn’t even know who I was looking at while standing in front of the mirror. I often think back on the last ten years and I feel as though I’m watching a movie of someone else’s life. I don’t know the main character anymore but I seem to recognize the rest of the cast. Faintly. But still. I never see you there. The movie is filled with disappointment and pain. I see resentment and failure and for the longest time, the credits would roll and I’d cry. I never saw your name.
When I think about all the ways that life is no longer what it once was, I see your face. I think about how tired I am at the end of every day and how I never want to quit. I close my eyes before I go to sleep and I see you there. Time is passing slowly as my weary mind wraps itself in thoughts of days to come. I do not wish this time away because I have seen too many movies to be so foolish. I have learned many lessons and I know any struggle that lies in front of me during this time is merely just another test I must pass. I write a list of things that matter – things that keep me going. Your name is there.
When I think about what used to matter most to me, I laugh at what a pathetic soul I must have been. Thank god you were not there. What a sorry excuse for a human being I was and what beautiful things my eyes did not see for I was so blinded by detrimental pieces of nothing. Faceless beings and deep scars in my skin are all that remain from time I have wished away. I hate these days because you feel so far. But I will never wish them away. I will never resent a day that I am so deeply connected to you. When the universe wants things to happen, they happen. And we happened. We are happening. And when you come home and knock on the door, I will graciously open it and see you there. I will replay these days in my head when you’re fast asleep next to me, and it will become one of my favorite movies. The credits will never roll and the soundtrack will never end, because at some point during some forgettable song, I’ll eventually drift off to sleep too. And when I wake up, I’ll see you there.